Sunday, May 11, 2008
Just Rambling about College Days
First- in order to post this I had to search every room in the house to find my wireless mouse which Athena likes to play with. I usually just find it on the office floor but today it was in my shoe. Anyway,
I miss school! I miss preparing, reading, writing and thinking. Honestly, I don't really learn new stuff anymore. My brain is mushy and feeble. I miss the accountability and the get-it-done nature of school. - But with it, the carefree nature of just me and Conrad that really characterized that part of life for me; the cozy warm apartment and snow piled high outside. Working out in the gym, swimming before class and knowing just how many minutes I could take in the shower in order to get to class in the nick of time. Smart young people all around me. But most of all- the feeling that I could do and be anything I wanted. It's empowering, that limitless aspiration I felt.
Now, I'm coming out of a funk. Nauseous all day long. My agenda? Sitting, sleeping, puking. Sedentary, no learning, no exercise, no dreaming; just existing. Sleeping too much just to get away from myself. Ants taking up residence under the highchair because my floors are nasty and the counters are always piled with food which makes me vomit. Conrad eating bachelor food because I lack all sense of will or creativity and fortitude of stomach to go near food; I'm happy to eat kid food with Athena.
No will. Just zombie. And I knew this would happen. This is what my first trimesters look like.
Well it's all changing for me! The nausea is going away. Gag reflex still high, but I'm not exhausted and I'm developing a Will again. And today I looked up from reading a BYU-Idaho magazine, with a smile and a tear; I recall those empowering feelings I felt while I was there in school. I recall the learning and changing and freedom I felt there.
My previous environment was full of racial tension and hate. No one looked upward and onward. No one aspired. Everyone was hardened by this defense they carried around that hindered them from really doing anything that mattered. It's a draining environment.
So today I recall my first days there at Ricks; It was a culture shock. People looked you in the eye and. they. smiled. I walked around feeling like a thwarted person who'd been crammed in something for too long and I began to stretch and dream and grow, and the result was amazing! And I miss that feeling.
So I'm going to create a syllabus for myself, and give myself an hour alone every morning. Cozy up to a book, meditate and breath new life into this sorry sap of a person I am lately! :) No offense self, but really; snap out of it girl!
On the upside, I love what a softie pregnancy has made me; I cry at commercials. I am touched by everything and amid all the physical mental sappage, it is a reminder that I am a human with a human heart. And I love to feel deeply with my woman's heart. It's the most beautiful, redeeming and engulfing thing I experience. I could even call it sacred.