Wednesday, May 28, 2008

What We've Been up to -In Pictures

An Accidental Lunge and Kiss

I woke up and snickered at myself at 2:27 this morning, because I caught myself doing something goofy in my sleep. I dreamed I was laughing and playing with Athena. Conrad rolled over so he was facing me. I opened my eyes, but remained in my dream. I playfully lunged up at his face and kissed his nose with a loud smack. "Mwa!" I exaggerated out loud. I realized only then that it was not Athena, but Conrad and apparently, we were both in mid slumber. Worried I had made him grumpy (I woulda' been) I whispered in earnest, "Oh sorry, I thought you were Athena!" He didn't reply, eyes still closed. I rolled over, checked the clock and laughed to myself before going back to sleep.

I asked him about it in the morning. He has no recollection.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Look what I can do! Just an update.

Let's see, what other updates: She wants to drink from a cup. She wants to feed herself, unless I'm sharing something yummy from whatever I'm eating- then she'll let me feed her. She says, "dada, momma, hi, beby and ba" (for ball) and she's starting to say "poobie."

- Which is a word that we call each other around here. It just came into my head one day and I thought it but didn't say it because it sounded too weird. But it screamed in my head to be said. We started using it when we brought home a little ultrasound picture of Athena. She looked like a chubby little grub. We stuck it to the fridge and dubbed it poobie. And it stuck.

She can climb on chairs, she loves to be outside, but gets annoyed when I work on weed pulling. She loves when dad comes home and throws her around outside, then he tinkers in the garden while she plays with rocks. She swings on the little dog house which bunny never used.

She points at the moon, birds, planes and we chase butterflies.

She likes to look at the washing machine fill up. She goes up and down stairs alone, and throws things down them. She likes to hide behind me and laugh when I finally discover her. She runs away when I say, "lets change your diaper." She does a lot these days. too much to write. We'll have to come visit the farm soon so she can play with her cousins. It's nice having family close.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Just Rambling about College Days

First- in order to post this I had to search every room in the house to find my wireless mouse which Athena likes to play with. I usually just find it on the office floor but today it was in my shoe. Anyway,

I miss school! I miss preparing, reading, writing and thinking. Honestly, I don't really learn new stuff anymore. My brain is mushy and feeble. I miss the accountability and the get-it-done nature of school. - But with it, the carefree nature of just me and Conrad that really characterized that part of life for me; the cozy warm apartment and snow piled high outside. Working out in the gym, swimming before class and knowing just how many minutes I could take in the shower in order to get to class in the nick of time. Smart young people all around me. But most of all- the feeling that I could do and be anything I wanted. It's empowering, that limitless aspiration I felt.

Now, I'm coming out of a funk. Nauseous all day long. My agenda? Sitting, sleeping, puking. Sedentary, no learning, no exercise, no dreaming; just existing. Sleeping too much just to get away from myself. Ants taking up residence under the highchair because my floors are nasty and the counters are always piled with food which makes me vomit. Conrad eating bachelor food because I lack all sense of will or creativity and fortitude of stomach to go near food; I'm happy to eat kid food with Athena.

No will. Just zombie. And I knew this would happen. This is what my first trimesters look like.

Well it's all changing for me! The nausea is going away. Gag reflex still high, but I'm not exhausted and I'm developing a Will again. And today I looked up from reading a BYU-Idaho magazine, with a smile and a tear; I recall those empowering feelings I felt while I was there in school. I recall the learning and changing and freedom I felt there.

My previous environment was full of racial tension and hate. No one looked upward and onward. No one aspired. Everyone was hardened by this defense they carried around that hindered them from really doing anything that mattered. It's a draining environment.

So today I recall my first days there at Ricks; It was a culture shock. People looked you in the eye and. they. smiled. I walked around feeling like a thwarted person who'd been crammed in something for too long and I began to stretch and dream and grow, and the result was amazing! And I miss that feeling.

So I'm going to create a syllabus for myself, and give myself an hour alone every morning. Cozy up to a book, meditate and breath new life into this sorry sap of a person I am lately! :) No offense self, but really; snap out of it girl!

On the upside, I love what a softie pregnancy has made me; I cry at commercials. I am touched by everything and amid all the physical mental sappage, it is a reminder that I am a human with a human heart. And I love to feel deeply with my woman's heart. It's the most beautiful, redeeming and engulfing thing I experience. I could even call it sacred.

Thursday, May 1, 2008